We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
