We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize