Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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