and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
