You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
