i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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