Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
