Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
