OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
