Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
