apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
