I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
