So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
