I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
