dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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