how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
