Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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