Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
