Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
