Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
