I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
