I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
