Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
