I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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