just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
