Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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