I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize