she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
