I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
