I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
