question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
