I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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