i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
