just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
