Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
