I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
