Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
why is half of my head shaved?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
