You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
