I am puke
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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