My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You are the jesus of drinking
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
