Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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