Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
