Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
