my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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