I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
