you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize