I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
