Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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