I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
