I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
