Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
