why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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