I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
