I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
