The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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