Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
