he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize