I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
my vag is so smooth its legendary
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
