My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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