Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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