Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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